Film — 31 December 2012
Social Media New Year’s Resolutions: 10 Crack Commandments

Hey boo.

Yes, you.

You know I love you, right?

So much do I live for you that I don’t want to see you go into the New Year failing at life online… You know what I’m talking about, screwing up your relationships, angering your friends, ticking off your boss or getting followed and re-tweeted by @YesYou’reRacist.

That’s why I want you to leave some of that bad behavior where it belongs–  in 2012. it’s easy, I promise.  Start the New Year with this simple social media pledge.  And if I forgot something, feel free to add on.

1.  Stop posting every tiny, delicious morsel of your business.  Every dang Burger King sandwich you eat.  Every time a man/woman tells you that you look nice in a dress/suit.  The tummy troubles you got when you went to White Castle at 12 a.m.  You’re better than this. Save something for your #reallife friends, eh?

2.  Unless you have a show on the Food Network or are a photographer for Bon Appetit, please do not take photos of everything you eat. This goes double for anyone who plates meals like Lil’  Scrappy’s fiance, Erica.

3.  Relax with the passive aggressive energy, i.e threatening to “de-friend” or “block” nameless folks every hour on the hour.  Also, we don’t need to hear how you want to choke out your backstabbing relations.  For every “like “you get for this seething, childish foolishness, about 10 of your other friends or followers are rolling their eyes back in their head like Regan in “Exorcist.”

4.  Go easy on the frequency.  Do you call, text or e-mail your friends with every thought that enters your noggin?  Of course not, so no need to break that mold when you post.

5.  Remember that you have a job, or are in the midst of getting one. Those pictures of you drinking Ron Ron juice in a string bikini or mankini in your backyard?  Not needed.  That’s what photo albums are for.  If these quaint imaging storage centers predate you, go to the local library and get a quick education on these artifacts.

6.  Leave your ex-man/woman/boo thang alone.  If you wouldn’t send drive past their homes or gaze upon their workplaces  every day in reality, why are you doing it virtually?  Quit stalking their sorry pages to see who they’ve moved onto.  (And if you would, by chance, do any of the things I mentioned in reality, you need some help.  Hit me up privately and I’ll direct you to some resources.)

7.  Don’t be such a thirsty braggart.  If you cannot go a day without posting a new photo so that your legions of fans will shower you with likes, you have a problem.  If you think that you need to puff your chest out and tell everyone how great you are at least twice a week, that’s an issue. Like I state on Facebook early and often, if you are cute/smart/fashionable/witty, people will know without you coaching them.  Put the social media fishing pole down and go volunteer for a charity or something if you have THAT much free time on your hands.

8.  LinkedIn isn’t match.com, BlackPlanet or eHarmony.  If you are using it as such, stop it right now…and also, give yourself a firm slap on that hand.  (If that turned you on, I didn’t mean for it to.)

9.  Don’t get mad if your bigoted, homophobic or otherwise unpleasant observations about life get you flak. That’s what is supposed to happen so you can wisen up.  And don’t delete your account either, just do better.

10.  Be more mindful that your online freedom isn’t free, or at least it won’t be if these companies (Twitter, Facebook and Instagram) want to pay their bills.  Instagram and Facebook have been tipping you off for ahot  minute that “your” data ain’t really that when it’s on their online property.  So, unless you want to be the unwitting poster boy or girl for some weird products, i.e. a new line of colonics or dog food for people, keep your eye on their ever changing terms of service.

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