“Dead Meat” might just be the best title for the slop “True Blood” is serving right now. From the crazy church play acting that began before the credits rolled (and during Sookie’s sappy monologue at her parent’s gravesite) to the hastily pulled together plot developments, I find myself longing to re-watch “Orange is the New Black” or (gasp) “Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta.”
But you know what time it is. Here are the “True Blood” tidbits worth discussing. I use the term “worth” very loosely, and definitely want to know your feedback on this show. Is it derailing or simply taking the crazy route to a satisfying season finale?
1. Girl Fight
Who thought it was a good idea to have Alcide go full Sean Penn/Chris Brown on his former wifey, Rikki? Whether she challenged his packmaster status or not, he looked psychotic kicking her in the face and trying to crack her spine. I found it fascinating that all the women in the crew wanted to jump him, but the fellas weren’t having it. Also, is it misogynist to call a were-woman a bitch? It’s not exactly an untruth, due to the whole species switching thing, but it sounded mad harsh when that extra used it on Rikki.
2. Forever Ever?
What was up with all the needy vamps this ep? Jason got “chose” by his prison vamp captor Violet, and Warlow is insistent that Sookie be with him forever. In the latter case, I can see why Sookie wouldn’t want to as whiny as he was when she returned to find him hungry and tied up with old middle school jump ropes sealed in fairy magics. Also, not enough can be said about that terrible “realm” that Sookie and Warlow are hanging in. My super sis, Kozi and I, cannot stop laughing at what she described as a “Land of the Lost”-style set dressing. And couldn’t Sookie have changed out of that awful 90s get-up with the boots during her visit to..um…earth? That floral skirt is very Limited Express, 1990.
3. Violet Hour
Back to Violet, she looks like a Gina Gershon knock-off. I wish they’d cast my B-movie buddy in this role. She would have been ah-mazing. The current model — who is one of the few who isn’t scared of Pam– comes off like Adibesi from “Oz” meets Kathy Bates in “Misery,” but on a lower, less effective level. I really need her to leave Jason alone and stop slurping him like Jamba Juice. Now.
4. Makeup Test
So, Alcide threatened to kill Sam Merlott (aka shift him into a corpse) if he dared returned to Bon Temps, and all it took was for him to save Nicole and her hapless mama to bring about a beer summit between the two? Get outta here, man. I understand we don’t have very many episodes left until the big finale, but that reconciliation would have taken a little more time. As for Nicole’s overprotective mother, she truly doesn’t treat her daughter like she’s 23, though I too question how Nicole and Sam became smitten in only a few days. I don’t even know why they are around to talk to Sam. Had I been either of these women, I’d have caught a Megabus the hell up outta there after that close brush with the were-weirdos.
5. Bill Collector
Man, Bill and Sookie are going at it, aren’t they? There is clearly no love left between this once devoted duo. The nasty way they speak to each other is reason enough to continue watching this show, especially after years of watching them babytalk and save each other from doom. When Sookie called him a monster mother(bleep)er, I was given just the slightest bit of life. I can admit that.
7. Clear Blue Easy
Speaking of Sookie and her ex-men, her weird attempt to get something popping with Sam may have been the most off thing about the entire episode. She was never feeling Sam no matter how he tried. And he tried. Like Urkel-after-Laura tried to get this girl. And now, she comes running into his bar trying to see if they would end up together, and we’re supposed to buy that? Who is she, Cameron Diaz in “My Best Friend’s Wedding?” And let’s not act like the only reason Sam and Sookie isn’t happening is his new (equally odd) dalliance with newcomer Nicole. Sam knocked up Nicole already and knows this because of his magic scent-catching skills. Halp. Guess the whole “plus” or “minus” on the pregnancy test is no longer necessary.
8. Heel Thyself
Sarah Newlin is definitely insane, but her brand of villainy pales in comparison to Russell Edgington. Her Bible beating blonde ambition spiel is grating in large doses. She’s better as a secondary baddie, though she certainly is no slouch in the murder department, effectively chasing down the True Blood executive (in stilettos) and then making vamp food of said business exec using the doomed woman’s own shoe heel– all to keep the Hep V tampering a secret.
9. Sunny D
Snitches get stitches, and apparently, meetings with the sun. I guess we’re supposed to be alarmed and aghast at the notion that Tara, Pam, Jess and James might get a bit of a tan next episode. The goof way in which James spilled the tea about the True Blood and had it spreading like a game of telephone via Steve Newlin…I just…I can’t. Guess we’ll see what happens next week. Happy, happy, joy, joy.
What did you think of “Dead Meat?” Did it reek like the rotting animal carcass featured in the show’s opening? Or did you think it was actually watchable and evidence of even better developments to come? Spoiler alert: I might have to have a chat with you if you suggest the latter.
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