Okay, Kyles Filers. I need you to bear witness.
I hereby swear to leave Drake alone.
I’m definitely not, nor never was, one of his biggest detractors. That would be a toss-up between everyone snarky on Twitter and Big Ghost.
Still I too have criticized his…well… invariably whiny and then oddly self-aggrandizing approach to lyricism and questioned why he so handily dominated the radio with assists from frequent collaborators Lil Wayne and 2 Chainz.
But…and this is an important “but,” I do appreciate that — despite the scorn he attracts– Drake is one of the few rappers who does not routinely debase women. In fact, I am certain he, Wale, J. Cole and other so-called disrespected artists are in that position because they don’t consistently and aggressively put forth music that renders women nothing more than warm mouths, giant butts or agile limbs sliding down the stripper pole of life.
That said, I have to say something about his latest video, “Hold On.” I know it’s a long time coming, but I can no longer hold in my opinion. The boy Drake aka Wheelchair Jimmy may have just made the most ridiculous video since Trinidad James, albeit in a different way. It truly looks like a bad episode of Miami Vice spliced with “Revenge of the Nerds.”
I have so many thoughts, but I’ll limit myself to just five:
Drake’s video looks like…
(1) A pilot of “Miami Vice” that didn’t make the cut. Somewhere Don Johnson is rolling his eyes at Drake and company in those ice cream white suits. They look about as tough as Teletubbies.
(2) He has adopted R. Kelly’s storied penchant for underage girls. This chick looks like a 13-year-old who got into her mother’s makeup and “party” closet. What, Jurnee Smollett was otherwise engaged? Casting? Anybody?
(3) A game of Laser Tag gone wrong. This observation, courtesy of my sister and writing partner, Kozi Kyles. I must agree. I’ve seen Super Soaker action that looked more menacing. Licking shots? Boy, bye!
(4) The cast of “The Big Bang Theory” in gangster drag.” Drake’s “boys,” including bad speech-making ASAP
Rocky Celie look a mess. If this is the crew he has assembled to seek revenge, the villains should rest easy knowing not a DAMN thing will happen to any of them.
(5) What happens when you play “Grand Theft Auto V” too much and get confused. In the immortal words of Dres from Black Sheep, it looks like dude woke up in a night sweat and told his friends: “I had a dream I was hard.”
YOUR TURN: You tell me. Is this video a joke or am I being too hard on Aubrey Graham? It’s been a while, so I’d love to hear your opinions.
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